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i cried

I cried today. A lot.  My world crashed and fell apart in large pieces on me.  I went to the endocrinologist (Dr. Endo). I had my hopes up. High. Prolly too high. I KNEW that finally FINALLY this doctor was going help me.  I put too much hope in it. I knew that but I didn’t care.  And…of course, it happened. The doctor said my TSH and all my other thyroid hormone levels were smack dab in the middle of normal.  Never mind ALL the symptoms I experienced.  The Man came with and I’m glad for that because there were things that I forgot and thoughts he could express that I couldn’t. But the answer was still the same. Nope. You don’t have Hypothyroid.  Dr. Endo cited all the information that information that confirms his belief. I’ve read three books on the subject so I know what he is talking about. I also know that some doctors somewhere diagnose according to symptoms, not test results.

But Dr. Endo isn’t one of them. He likes the numbers. He says prescribing meds where it isn’t warranted is dangerous (I see the validity in that, as a general rule).  To be sure, I could find a doctor to give me what I wanted but that might be dangerous.  So he scheduled me for more bloodwork. Oy. Plus he added a couple of more things to look for like cortisol and some female hormones, cuz maybe I have premature ovarian failure. Yeah right (scoffing).  He did admit that I am ripe for a thyroid condition given that I have a family history of other autoimmune disorders like thyroid and type I diabetes.  There is that word again: autoimmune disorder.  It keeps popping up.

So I know Dr. Endo wanted me to smile and say thank you kindly and get the hell out of there. But I couldn’t. I asked what do I do if the results come back normal? I explained that I’ve been having symptoms and been to like 6 doctors and can’t sustain full time work. I’m depressed cuz I’m sick, not the other way around.  He couldn’t really offer me any support except that maybe the premature ovarian failure might be the answer and to email him while I’m on vacation for the results of my bloodwork.  Goody.

Stunned. We left. I broke down and cried once we were outside. The Man is looking at me like WTF? I’m thinking: How can I get another misdiagnosis and another “sorry we can’t help you”?  To be sure, I didn’t want to go to lunch with The Man after that. I cried all the way home and then cried some more when I explained it to the kids.  They were very supportive.

Premature Ovarian Failure? Whatever. I guess I’m done.  I give up. Am I destined to be stupid and confused? Without my brain, I am nothing. NOTHING. I don’t have personality or good looks or athletic ability to go on. My brain is all. I. have.  How am I supposed to work?

Did I mention that he thought I might have Addison’s disease? That is, until he asked me my ethnicity.

What diagnosis am I gonna get next?

I need answers.

Regarding Queen of Everything

Her highness is still queen of planet blortnick and also a MODEL.

10 comments to i cried

  • What’s the freaking harm in trying to put you on a low dose of thyroid hormone? Numbers are crap! Symptoms say a lot more!

    I want answers too. I see a specialist on the 29th. They better have something definitive to tell me. I’m so tired of this!
    The Bipolar Diva´s last blog post ..Some Good, Bad, Ugly and Beautiful

  • Aww I am so sorry all of this is happening to you, I wish I had some words of encouragement, but I’ve never been in that situation before, I will be praying that you are given the answers you need!

    Doctors can be so difficult and strange. They should really pay more attention to what the patient, who knows thier own body says, rather than going with thier own personal opinions.
    Jamie´s last blog post ..Wordless Wednesday

  • I wish I had something encouraging to say.
    Can he order the same blood tests to be done repeatedly over a period of time? Your level change all the time and they may not be catching it.
    I ask because my mom has hypothyroidism. she had bloodwork done in one month that was normal and the next month it was off the charts. It took a few tries to actually catch it.
    sarah´s last blog post ..Spit Shine

  • yes sarah, he did. in fact i’m having more bloodwork today. i am not optomistic, however.

  • thanks mama penguin (love the new name btw). i agree the patient knows their body best. especially patients who’ve had their bodies for like 43 years…

  • it would be dangerous to put me on a low dose, or something like that. FEH.
    yeah we need a pow wow. how can we stop doctors from passing us around and not giving us answers? wanna hear about your results.

  • Really sorry. Doctors can suck sometimes…okay most times. I had a failing galbladder through the most of my childhood and it took years and probably 30 doctors before someone diagnosed it, or rather ran the right test to diagnose it.

    In the meantime I was told it was ‘all in my head’ and to go to school and put up with the pain (that they didn’t believe was real.)

    The biggest thing I can say is a doctor is not going to care about you in 99.9 percent of the cases, you are just another person going through their office and padding their wallets. You have to advocate yourself and TRY and stay strong, not give up!

    I know it is so hard and I am in no place to say these things really because I gave up on a lot a long time ago. I gave up on ever having a functional life…but that does not mean you have to :)
    Sarah´s last blog post ..Behind Blue Eyes

  • thanks for the support. doctors SUCK.

  • But, but, but…Wikipedia says:

    “Addison’s can afflict persons of any age, gender, or ethnicity, but it typically presents in adults between 30 and 50 years of age. Research has shown no significant predispositions based on ethnicity.”

    That might need followed up on.
    Deana Birks´s last blog post ..It’s a-door-able

  • oh hey thanks for looking that up deana, i havent had a minute to do that! i’ll research it more!