New BFF: Bipolar Diva!

i am SO important lucky to get to introduce to you another new victim BFF (poor her) today ! Her name is Bipolar Diva and she’s an amazing mom, wife, and woman who, like many of us, is handling life with a side of medication. I hope you will enjoy her as much as I do. Please visit her and give her some bloggy love. Her address is: http://www.thebipolardiva.com/.  Did I mention she’s really pretty? Totally. See for yourself.

Me? Bipolar Disorder? Uh, no. Oh yes, you. Better get used to it. It’s not leaving. Either it will win, or you will win. 

The conversation in my head continued until I could get out of the psychiatrist’s office and back to the safety of my home and sign on to the trusty internet. Oh, the internet, so full of information and even more full of misinformation.  My searches not only confirmed what the psychiatrist said earlier, but also scared the heck out of me.

Depression? Check.

Extreme highs? Check.

Suicidal ideation? Check.

Cutting? Check.

Shopping addiction (oh-freaking-no!) Check.

Delusions? Uh, no.

Hallucinations? No.

The lists went on and on. Some items fit, some did not. I reflected on my life and my behaviors of the past. Suddenly everything made sense. Things fell into place. I began to understand. My demons had a name and that name was Bipolar II. My next step was to tell my family. I needed to explain to them why I had been on such an emotional rollercoaster the previous two years.

I was diagnosed when I was 45. I had pretty much kept things together throughout my life. Looking back, however, I can see the foreshadowing of times to come.  There had been so many traumas in my life, our lives, in the four years before the diagnosis that I finally came to a breaking point. My family, unfortunately, had witnessed far too much during those times. Not only was the world around them crashing down, their wife and mother was crashing too.

The person they had known was gone and this alien clone had taken her place. I withdrew, I cut, I ran, I pushed everyone away.  The security I had given them before was like a table cloth that had been pulled out from beneath them.  Glasses and dishes were falling and shattering. They were trying their best to catch the falling shards without getting cut. It couldn’t be done.

I needed to embrace the diagnosis and I needed to be back in control of my life. My kids needed their mom back, my husband needed his wife back and I needed my life back.

The map back to that life was found in understanding the disorder and in medication. The road was long and arduous but it had to be traveled.  I read all I could read, I researched all I could research. I faithfully took the meds the doctor prescribed.

I was put on risperdal immediately in an attempt to stabilize my behavior until the next medication, Lamictal, had time to become effective. Then there was Abilify, Seroquel and trazedone. Yuck, yuck, yuck and yuck. For me they weren’t a good match. They kept me in a heavy, thick fog. Sure my family didn’t have to witness any harmful activity, but they also had a zombie for a mother, which is no mother at all.

Almost three years later I think that we’ve found the correct cocktail for me: Wellbutrin, Lamictal and levothyroxine. For the most part I’m back. There have been no thoughts or urges to release the pain through cutting, shopping is under control (ugh, I really liked that), I’m no longer withdrawing from my family and spending days in bed or in a hotel room out of state. I miss the highs, the exhilaration, and the excitement, but the lows were all too low. While they weren’t scary for me, they scared the hell out of my family.

As a family we’ve learned a lot over the last several years. I’ve learned to deal with the triggers and the stress. My husband has come to recognize if my medications are off or if I need a break. And my kids, well my kids have learned that this has nothing to do with them. They didn’t cause it, it’s not their fault. The most important thing learned was that we’re a family, a good family, and our family will stick together no matter what.

 I know now that I’ve always suffered from Bipolar, it just rose to the surface and took over during those traumatic times.  I have to remember that I am in charge. I will control it to the best of my ability. It can’t win, I have to. If I give in and allow it turn me into its puppet, I will lose, my family will lose and it will be the victor. I can’t let that happen.

I told you she was AWESOME! Go give her some love or i will come to your blog  and sing The Wiggles Song nonstop.  just kidding. or am i?

p.s. Seroquel sucks.

Regarding Queen of Everything

Her highness is an educator librarian who is drawn to the little ones. In her purse you’ll find a cup of coffee, a book, and her iPhone. She loves social media, writing book reviews, and curating children’s literature. She is an information specialist, maven, connector. and still queen of planet blortnick

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