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Mindfulness or lack of it (with some quotes thrown in)

“You can hold back from suffering of the world,
you have permission to do so,
and it is in accordance with your nature,
but perhaps this very holding back
is the one suffering you could have avoided.”
~ Franz Kafka

Several years ago I approached my GP about my insomnia problems. She’s a DO (osteopathic doctor), but at the time I didn’t know it. Dr. H recommended a bunch of different techniques for me to try to overcome the insomnia. She suggested exercise (which I tried) and mindfulness techniques. Much later we moved on to sleeping pills but that’s another post.  The whole mindfulness thing was interesting to me. As I researched what that was, I realized that it was right in line with the whole DO thing. While DOs are regular docs, they also kinda work with a holistic approach which appeals to many (including moi).

Part of my initial treatment for insomnia was to become mindful.  Mindfulness is all about being in the moment. Which is something I am NOT. One of the main reasons I am an insomniac is because I cannot turn my brain off. I am thinking about what I did or said today, what I will do or say tomorrow, what I saw, will see, etc. anything and everything runs through my mind. Its exhausting. So I thought mindfulness would be the answer.  If I could focus on the right at this moment, I might be able to relax enough and fall back to sleep (I am a vampire and wake up at 3am; been doing so for probably 20 years).

I bought a couple CDs and read a book or two about mindfulness.  The CDs were relaxation CDs that help you focus on staying in the moment by focusing on your breathing and body parts and the like. I especially liked a CD called BodyScan in which the voice of a woman with a lovely british accent leads you through the relaxation. . It was really funny at first: I would holler to the kids to leave me alone cuz I’m gonna meditate and they would sneak in the room and mock the lady’s voice. At the time, it was very frustrating. I was trying to relax, dammit and they were messing it up!

After I gave up on the bodyscan (I go back to it in times of extreme anxiety) I moved on to the mindfulness books: jon kabat-zinn and dr. Andrew weil especially. You can imagine that these didn’t work out either.  John McManamy has an interesting and fairly accurate take on mindfulness: http://www.mcmanweb.com/mindfulness1.html. He applies mindfulness to mental health issues but my take on it is that if I live in the moment I cannot possibly worry (be anxious) about what is going to happen or relive what’s already happened (mostly bad stuff).  Still couldn’t go back to sleep at 3am. Dr. Weil adds food and exercise to the recipe.

I have tried mindfulness time and time again. With no luck.  I find that while the idea of it is good, I cannot apply the theories cuz I’m too cynical.  I tried eating right and exercise. They worked well, I gained some much needed weight, but still could not get in a decent 8 hours of sleep.  

“To be in harmony with the wholeness of things is not to have anxiety over imperfections.” ~ Dogen Zenji

So here I am having a love hate relationship with seroquel (its like a boyfriend you cant get rid of cuz he’s a good kisser but you hate how he makes you feel). Here is an interesting take on seroquel: http://www.crazymeds.us/index.htm.

and here is  seroquel.

Regarding Queen of Everything

Her highness is still queen of planet blortnick and also a MODEL.

Love is closed.